Inside Kat’s Diary 1979
It’s a new year. It’s the last day of Chanuka. It’s the first time in 28 years that Chanuka fell on Christmas. I met Mason on December 16 and I think I fell in love with him on Christmas Day. He came up on his snowmobile in a blizzard. I didn’t see him today and I miss him, I don’t think he loves me. He says he does but his eyes say no. Anyway Bill phoned, the wins (born December 3) are doing fine. Ron phoned said he missed me. All day I kept thinking of Peter. Just flashbacks of when we were going together. Then I see Warren’s face saying I love you. I’m confused but I don’t want to say goodbye.
I miss Mason. He phoned and we talked for an hour. We talked about kids and marriage and him. He likes to talk about himself. He likes kids and wants to have four. He doesn’t know I like kids. After Peter I didn’t think I’d ever want kids but every time I see kids I think about if I had one or two or three… Gina phoned, she and Glenn are having problems. Heather is trying to put the hustle on Mason and she seems to like every minute of it. I get so damned mad. She keeps bringing up the thing about them fooling around. She started the rumour and she’s keeping it going. I guess I shouldn’t get mad, he doesn’t love me.
Mason phoned. I did my law seminar today. What a laugh. I asked Mason to go skating with me. I can’t skate. But we had fun. I fell all over the place. I had some problems though. He wouldn’t look at me when he talked and I couldn’t lip read. He doesn’t know I’m half deaf but I have a cold and I can’t hear through my other ear right now. He said he loves me. I’m afraid I’m going to lose him. I love him very much. We did a concert and I had so much fun. Steve was trying to hustle me again. He’s blah!
I went to school today. I handed in my book report and essay. They weren’t due for a couple of days. Mason is on night’s until the 14th. It’s terrible when he’s on nights. It’s all psychological though. When I’m at school he’s at home and when I’m at home, he’s at work. I’m in a good mood. I finished my baby stuff. I want to have Mason’s baby. Not just anyone’s baby – Mason’s baby. I feel really good today. I miss Mason though. He phoned and says he loves me. I love him.
During this time Kat was so much in love with a 5’8” handsome looking man that she forgot about writing the next few days. Oh well I don’t mind, I hope the people that may read this understand.
Signed, the Man she’s in Love with
I’m going crazy! I don’t sleep anymore. I have nightmares. I’m going crazy. Anyway. I accomplished a lot today. I cleaned the shed, chopped wood and did a general clean up. I rehearsed some music with the guys. What a laugh! Hugie was completely spaced. Anyway when I got home Mason phoned. He said he loves me. It’s important to hear that because I love him so much.
Today is Chinese New Year! Congratulations. This is not only the year of the child but also the year of the lamb. Mason came over for dinner. Of course we had Chinese food! I think he is getting really sick of Chinese food but it’s the only thing I know I can make. I try though.
I want so hard to make a good wife for Mason someday. He talks about marriage a lot but I don’t know it is really hard. I’ve seen so many marriages go down the drain. I love him enough to marry him though.
Mason is on night’s from now until February the 5th. I went to school but I might as well have stayed home I had two classes. I was thinking – what would happen if Mason or my parents died. I love them all so much. I know mom is dying but it’s never really a reality. I love my dad even though we can’t stay in a room more than 10 minutes without fighting. I wish he could know that so he wouldn’t hurt me so much. He hurts me every time I see him. If I had three wishes, one would be that my dad stops hurting me.
I went to school. What a drag. Some of the kids went to Chris’ party but I stayed at school. Mason really doesn’t want me to go to parties without him. I won’t do anything stupid but still he’s really protective. I love him so very much. My mother was in a pretty good mood all day. Mason phoned and asked me to dinner at his parents place tomorrow. We talked for about half an hour. I hope we communicate this well when we get married. I feel pretty good and my mother is in a pretty good mood. Very well.
Mom went to town today. I had nightmares all last night. She is really fed up, come to think of it so am I. School was a bore as usual. I’m flunking out and I really don’t care. Mason phoned at 6:30 I still love him as much as I did when we first started going together. He’s on nights again until February 26 again. I miss him more when he’s on nights, he’s always edgy and I hardly see him. Oh well he finishes at this job sometime during April.
I went to school today. I handed in my geography good copy. Mr. Hugh made some smart assed remarks about the scriptures in my project. I’m in a great mood. I saw Mason. He’s so great, he’s gentle, caring, and most of all loving. Dad is home for the rest of the week. I just hope we can go three days without having a fight. I wish we could all get along better. I had a nightmare last night about my dad shooting my mother.
Today was a pretty good day. I didn’t go to school it was a good day for weather too. Mason and I had a disagreement over my dad. Dad was in a bad mood and he started picking on me so I got upset and took off into the bedroom. Mason was pretty pissed off. Anyway I refuse to fight with my boyfriend over my father. Mason said he’d rather be with his pigs and I got pretty pissed off. My mother was in a pretty bad mood too. Anyway life goes on.
Sometimes I wonder why I write in this damn book. Who is going to care in 200 years whether I passed or flunked, or whether or not I was in a good mood, or that anybody loves me. I don’t care now! Life goes on and people take it for granted. We may live to write for tomorrow. When I die will the people who read this even begin to understand what is important to me. Can they begin to realize how important being loved is to me. I need to be needed. I need to be loved.
Went to school all day. I had three spares. I’m reading a book by Thomas Sullivan. It is truly a well written book. Sandy and Ken are supposed to be coming over tomorrow. I missed Mason more today than I’ve ever missed him. Nothing could ever match last night. I felt like a woman in all ways. Mason is the most beautiful man in the world. There is so much to do around the house but I can’t seem to do anything to make it look any better. I am really getting fed up with this house. We live in a dump. By the way, I want to get married! To Mason.
Woke up at 9:30 Dad had washed all last night’s dishes. Wow what a shock. I am in a rotten mood. It’s called mass depression. Everyone in the house is depressed. I’m really wallowing in self pity. I’m ugly – even Mason said he thought I was ugly when he first met me. I hate myself! I’m ugly, fat, stupid etc. Must I say more? Anyway I did some homework and finished the book ‘If You Could See What I Hear’. It’s written by Tom Sullivan. It’s the best book I’ve ever read. It’s a great inspiration to anyone who is handicapped, whether deaf or blind.
Today is Thursday. It was Mason’s day off. My teacher broke my thumb. That means the rest of the week off. I spent all day with Mason. Mom went to Bingo. I’ll never be a farmer! No matter what Mason says. We spent the whole day together. That was really nice. I love him so much.
The entry isn’t here, but Mason eventually broke up with Kat. She is devastated. She wants to die. Afterward, she begins to write poetry.